Sunday, December 2, 2012

The Rules and Why Humboldt Girls Shouldn't Follow Them

The Rules

The Rules, in case you were wondering, is a manual for women who want to get married written by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, unqualified anti-feminist hacks, ahem, dating coaches. Ellen Fein, by the way, recently endured a bitter divorce. The authors advocate a regimen of mind games and archaic 19th century seduction techniques just short of chaperones and wrist-length gloves. Don't get me wrong, a lot of the stuff they advocate, like dressing well, expecting respect and not throwing your legs open on the first date is good advice, but couldn't that be summed up in one sentence instead of 70+ pages of retrograde drivel?
Here's a complete chapter list:
  1. Be a “Creature Unlike Any Other"
  2. Don't Talk to a Man First (and Don't Ask Him to Dance)
  3. Don't Stare at Men or Talk Too Much
  4. Don't Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch on a Date
  5. Don't Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls
  6. Always End Phone Calls First
  7. Don't Accept a Saturday Night Date after Wednesday
  8. Fill Up Your Time before the Date
  9. How to Act on Dates 1, 2, and 3
  10. How to Act on Dates 4 through Commitment Time
  11. Always End the Date First
  12. Stop Dating Him if He Doesn't Buy You a Romantic Gift for Your Birthday or Valentine's Day
  13. Don’t See Him More than Once or Twice a Week
  14. No More than Casual Kissing on the First Date
  15. Don't Rush into Sex and Other Rules for Intimacy
  16. Don't Tell Him What to Do
  17. Let Him Take the Lead
  18. Don't Expect a Man to Change or Try to Change Him
  19. Don’t Open Up Too Fast
  20. Be Honest but Mysterious
  21. Accentuate the Positive and Other Rules for Personal Ads
  22. Don’t Live with a Man (or Leave Your Things in His Apartment)
  23. Don't Date a Married Man
  24. Slowly Involve Him in Your Family and Other Rules for Women with Children
  25. Practice, Practice, Practice! (or, Getting Good at The Rules)
  26. Even if You're Engaged or Married, You Still Need The Rules
  27. Do The Rules, Even when Your Friends and Parents Think It's Nuts
  28. Be Smart and Other Rules for Dating in High School
  29. Take Care of Yourself and Other Rules for Dating in College
  30. Next! and Other Rules for Dealing with Rejection
  31. Don't Discuss The Rules with Your Therapist
  32. Don't Break The Rules
  33. Do The Rules and You’ll Live Happily Ever After!
  34. Love Only Those Who Love You
  35. Be Easy to Live With
Just a quick glance inspires one to wonder how exactly to balance being mysterious, chaste, quiet, rude and self-promoting all while being 'easy to live with.' And wouldn't your date get a little suspicious when you run off to the bathroom to consult your manual everytime he asks you a person question?

Never you mind Humboldt ladies. We live in a part of the world where friendly openness, honesty, directness and self-reliance are prized. In HumCo a 'romantic gift' might well come in an icechest. Sometimes the most attractive trait for a Humboldt Honey is her willingness to help push start her date's truck. Yours truly experimented with The Rules for a while and found that they just made me seem artificial, stuck-up and strange.  So by all means, say hello first, make out on the first date and move in with your boyfriend. Don't sit in a corner waiting for a guy to notice you. Don't size up guys based on the bulge of their wallets. Pay for your own damned latte. You're friendly,fun and financially secure. You're golden. You're beautiful. The Rules were made to be broken.


  1. I <3 you, Humboldt Bachelorette!
    When you're done perfecting the mystery
    that is well-covered western woman,
    please come HOME.

  2. "Henchman Of Justice" says,

    The best advice is,

    "don't be disrespectful, it turns men off" to where many men only want to "penetrate a chick" to penetrate her and dump her arse just because she was a disrespectful bitch. Women do this too when a man is an ass. So, throw the rules in the toilet and fecal matter on them as non-contractual rules mean nothing and relationships are retarding quickly as marriage is not effective life management in today's reality!

    Thought to ponder: How many women and men have just decided no to be in any relationship because people are so disrespectful and back-stabbing? Marriage is now a liability in America, not a benfit! - HOJ

  3. Just loved your last paragraph. So true.